Why would you want to be something you hate?
This blog post has been a long time coming - don't worry, I'd not forgotten about it altogether! I've had several ideas come into my mind since I wrote the last one, but a combination of falling somewhat behind with university work and then falling ill with COVID-19 meant that it's taken me longer to getting round to it than I had hoped for 😂 Nonetheless, here we are, we've made it, so sit back and enjoy as my beautiful words enter your eyes.
The title for this post jumped into my head earlier today though whilst thinking about my mental health, and I decided that now that I was feeling a little bit better, this was the time to strike and get writing! The question itself - "Why would you want to be something you hate?" - was one that I actually asked to one of my best friends, who was opening up to me about his own mental health issues. Without going into detail on what we discussed, it was a question that just came out naturally, but one which left us both quite thoughtful about what that actually meant for us. At the time, I said it as advice for him, but after saying goodbye, I found myself thinking about that sentence in my head, going over it again and again.
"Why would you want to be something you hate?"
"Why would you want to be something you hate?"
One of the key issues which has come up as I've moved through the process of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) over the last few months is that I struggle a lot with a disparity between the person I am, the person I think I am, and the person I feel I should be.
The person I am is something who is many things. I'm very sensitive and always have been; when I was younger, I was known to cry at almost anything that went wrong, from someone casting an insult my way to getting things wrong or letting people down. I also try my hardest to always be there for my friends when they need me, to support them in the bad times and celebrate with them in the good times, as I know they would for me. I try to listen to people rather than talk too much about myself (although this is partly because I think no-one wants to hear about me), and I'm known for throwing out complete nonsense to try and cheer people up in their downtimes. I suffer with depression and anxiety, which causes me a lot of issues, but has also made me someone more aware that there's more going in someone's life than what you can see.
The person I think I am is somebody who lets people down and somebody who's a disappointment to themselves/friends/family/loved ones. I'm sometimes not as careful with my words as I should be and inadvertently hurt people. I often feel like I don't belong where I am - even now, as I'm on the verge of graduating university, I'm waiting for somebody to knock on the door and tell me that they've found out that I never actually got the right grades to be here, or that I tricked someone in order to get my place here and took one away from someone who actually should have it. I feel like my depression and anxiety make me a burden to the people I love, and that upsets me.
The person I feel I should be is somebody who is stronger and more masculine, more stereotypically 'alpha male.' Someone who doesn't feel emotions so readily, and is able to have them under control, rather than getting overwhelmed by them in public and private. I feel like I should be more selfless, more thoughtful, more intelligent.
And yet the person I feel I should be is a person I hate. I believe toxic masculinity is real, and causes untold amounts of damage to individuals and society, suggesting that we should repress our emotions when it would definitely be better to let them out and be honest, and that we should replace compassion with some kind of 'strength.'
So.
"Why would you want to be something you hate?"
I guess the real answer to this is - I don't know. The person I feel I should be is not what I want. It's just that - the person I feel I should be. That person isn't real, he doesn't exist as anything more than a pure construct within my mind. He is the result of various events and incidents over the course of my life that have left me hating myself as I am, instead looking at other people who seem to cope better than I ever could, and thinking that that is the only way I should be. Similarly, the person I think I am? He's not real either. He exists as a result of me looking at myself in a cracked and warped mirror.
The person I am - the only one who matters - is the one who I really am, the one who the people around me know me to be. For a long time, I've seen that person as my 'doppelgänger' Chris. I've been stuck in the mindset that it's not me seeing myself in the broken mirror, but those around me who haven't seen me clearly, and it's taken me 21 years to begin to realise the opposite might be true. That's been a long and difficult journey, and I have a LOT further to go, but (as I'm sure I'll write in future posts) I'm on my way.
So in answer: Why would you want to be something you hate? You don't have to be. The person you are is good enough.
The person I am is something who is many things. I'm very sensitive and always have been; when I was younger, I was known to cry at almost anything that went wrong, from someone casting an insult my way to getting things wrong or letting people down. I also try my hardest to always be there for my friends when they need me, to support them in the bad times and celebrate with them in the good times, as I know they would for me. I try to listen to people rather than talk too much about myself (although this is partly because I think no-one wants to hear about me), and I'm known for throwing out complete nonsense to try and cheer people up in their downtimes. I suffer with depression and anxiety, which causes me a lot of issues, but has also made me someone more aware that there's more going in someone's life than what you can see.
The person I think I am is somebody who lets people down and somebody who's a disappointment to themselves/friends/family/loved ones. I'm sometimes not as careful with my words as I should be and inadvertently hurt people. I often feel like I don't belong where I am - even now, as I'm on the verge of graduating university, I'm waiting for somebody to knock on the door and tell me that they've found out that I never actually got the right grades to be here, or that I tricked someone in order to get my place here and took one away from someone who actually should have it. I feel like my depression and anxiety make me a burden to the people I love, and that upsets me.
The person I feel I should be is somebody who is stronger and more masculine, more stereotypically 'alpha male.' Someone who doesn't feel emotions so readily, and is able to have them under control, rather than getting overwhelmed by them in public and private. I feel like I should be more selfless, more thoughtful, more intelligent.
And yet the person I feel I should be is a person I hate. I believe toxic masculinity is real, and causes untold amounts of damage to individuals and society, suggesting that we should repress our emotions when it would definitely be better to let them out and be honest, and that we should replace compassion with some kind of 'strength.'
So.
"Why would you want to be something you hate?"
I guess the real answer to this is - I don't know. The person I feel I should be is not what I want. It's just that - the person I feel I should be. That person isn't real, he doesn't exist as anything more than a pure construct within my mind. He is the result of various events and incidents over the course of my life that have left me hating myself as I am, instead looking at other people who seem to cope better than I ever could, and thinking that that is the only way I should be. Similarly, the person I think I am? He's not real either. He exists as a result of me looking at myself in a cracked and warped mirror.
The person I am - the only one who matters - is the one who I really am, the one who the people around me know me to be. For a long time, I've seen that person as my 'doppelgänger' Chris. I've been stuck in the mindset that it's not me seeing myself in the broken mirror, but those around me who haven't seen me clearly, and it's taken me 21 years to begin to realise the opposite might be true. That's been a long and difficult journey, and I have a LOT further to go, but (as I'm sure I'll write in future posts) I'm on my way.
So in answer: Why would you want to be something you hate? You don't have to be. The person you are is good enough.
Comments
Post a Comment