Belonging
I worry so much about titles for these posts, to the point where I don't want to write a post until I have the title nailed. As you can see, in this case, I've decided to take a new approach. Ready? No, wait, hold on, hear me out. So what I do is - and I know what you're thinking, but stick with me - I think about what I'm going to write about, and THEN... I put that word in the title! Absolute insanity. Doesn't make for snappy, imaginative titles, but it lets me get to the good bit, so you know, pros and cons really. Anyway, this post has been a long time coming. I first had the idea a week ago, but as ever, life got in the way. Luckily for me, life got in the way in such a way that it gave me more to write about! Yay!
The ongoing journey to improving my mental health has involved me confronting some of the demons from my childhood which I'd managed to suppress thus far, to the point where I didn't even see them as demons anymore. They'd just been blocked out and hidden in the depths of my memories. It's too early in my journey to share the really personal elements of my story, but I went through a lot of experiences in school and childhood that left me believing that I didn't really deserve to be where I was. I didn't belong.
I know what you're thinking; that sounds really vague, right? "Chris, what the hell do you mean?" Well, I guess I'm being intentionally general, because I truly believed that I didn't really belong anywhere - in my school, in my country, on the planet... anywhere. Even though the experiences themselves had been suppressed in my mind, the result of them was left alive and well. And sadly, a lack of any origin for that belief left me believing it was an inalienable, undeniable truth, even in the face of the ones I love and care about telling me that it wasn't true, that I did belong and that I did in fact deserve to be where I was. I couldn't accept that what they were saying was true, because it was so concrete and permanent in my mind that I thought they were confused, that I'd somehow tricked them and they had only ever met some weird doppelgänger of me who was much better than I could ever be.
It's only in the last year or so that I've started being able to question it, and it's a process which has been incredibly turbulent. The biggest enemy has been my own mind, constantly working against me. Any sign, any fleeting thought that I might actually belong is immediately shot down.
"Nah, don't be silly. You know you don't belong here. You're not good enough for it. You've tricked people to get here, cheated someone better out of an opportunity. You're worthless."
But day-by-day, I've slowly found the strength to stand up to that thought more and more. It's not been a linear path by any means - some days I can shout it down, some days I cower in front of it. But I've been lucky enough to have been blessed with some really amazing friends who stand by me in my worst times as well as my best, and that's given me strength I didn't believe I had. This week was a struggle for me, because out of nowhere, the black clouds of depression and anxiety rolled into my sky. It was sudden and intense, and made me really difficult to be around. I wasn't able to show gratitude to my friends for the things they did for me, I wasn't able to communicate in the way that I wanted to, and I was blunt and short. I didn't know how to be honest and vulnerable, and all I knew was that I was upsetting people that I wanted to make happy.
The black clouds LOVED that, they really did. It was fuel for the fire to them. But at my very lowest, I realised that my friends, the same people I'd upset, were still there, still trying. And I had a moment - a solid few seconds - where I really thought, "maybe you do belong." It just sat there, untouched for a few seconds. "Maybe you do belong." Now, obviously, it couldn't remain forever, and my mind came back with its usual rebuttal, but the experience of having that thought, of finding some peace for a few seconds was insane. I honestly felt this wave of love and joy hit me from nowhere, to the point I found myself crying - and what was even better was that it stayed with me.
I've been able to push the black clouds away faster than I would usually, and work my way back to that clear sky I was in beforehand, and I didn't believe that I would be able to do that. But the love of my friends, the knowledge that maybe the truth I'd always believed was wrong, has given me the ability to climb back to my feet and dust myself off like I never have before. I don't know how long it will last - I don't even know that next time I find myself sitting with the dark clouds above I'll be able to find that same love and joy. But that's okay. It doesn't really matter. Because right now, maybe I do belong.
The ongoing journey to improving my mental health has involved me confronting some of the demons from my childhood which I'd managed to suppress thus far, to the point where I didn't even see them as demons anymore. They'd just been blocked out and hidden in the depths of my memories. It's too early in my journey to share the really personal elements of my story, but I went through a lot of experiences in school and childhood that left me believing that I didn't really deserve to be where I was. I didn't belong.
I know what you're thinking; that sounds really vague, right? "Chris, what the hell do you mean?" Well, I guess I'm being intentionally general, because I truly believed that I didn't really belong anywhere - in my school, in my country, on the planet... anywhere. Even though the experiences themselves had been suppressed in my mind, the result of them was left alive and well. And sadly, a lack of any origin for that belief left me believing it was an inalienable, undeniable truth, even in the face of the ones I love and care about telling me that it wasn't true, that I did belong and that I did in fact deserve to be where I was. I couldn't accept that what they were saying was true, because it was so concrete and permanent in my mind that I thought they were confused, that I'd somehow tricked them and they had only ever met some weird doppelgänger of me who was much better than I could ever be.
It's only in the last year or so that I've started being able to question it, and it's a process which has been incredibly turbulent. The biggest enemy has been my own mind, constantly working against me. Any sign, any fleeting thought that I might actually belong is immediately shot down.
"Nah, don't be silly. You know you don't belong here. You're not good enough for it. You've tricked people to get here, cheated someone better out of an opportunity. You're worthless."
But day-by-day, I've slowly found the strength to stand up to that thought more and more. It's not been a linear path by any means - some days I can shout it down, some days I cower in front of it. But I've been lucky enough to have been blessed with some really amazing friends who stand by me in my worst times as well as my best, and that's given me strength I didn't believe I had. This week was a struggle for me, because out of nowhere, the black clouds of depression and anxiety rolled into my sky. It was sudden and intense, and made me really difficult to be around. I wasn't able to show gratitude to my friends for the things they did for me, I wasn't able to communicate in the way that I wanted to, and I was blunt and short. I didn't know how to be honest and vulnerable, and all I knew was that I was upsetting people that I wanted to make happy.
The black clouds LOVED that, they really did. It was fuel for the fire to them. But at my very lowest, I realised that my friends, the same people I'd upset, were still there, still trying. And I had a moment - a solid few seconds - where I really thought, "maybe you do belong." It just sat there, untouched for a few seconds. "Maybe you do belong." Now, obviously, it couldn't remain forever, and my mind came back with its usual rebuttal, but the experience of having that thought, of finding some peace for a few seconds was insane. I honestly felt this wave of love and joy hit me from nowhere, to the point I found myself crying - and what was even better was that it stayed with me.
I've been able to push the black clouds away faster than I would usually, and work my way back to that clear sky I was in beforehand, and I didn't believe that I would be able to do that. But the love of my friends, the knowledge that maybe the truth I'd always believed was wrong, has given me the ability to climb back to my feet and dust myself off like I never have before. I don't know how long it will last - I don't even know that next time I find myself sitting with the dark clouds above I'll be able to find that same love and joy. But that's okay. It doesn't really matter. Because right now, maybe I do belong.
"There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair;
And there is another sunshine,
Though it be darkness there."
(taken from 'There is another sky' by Emily Dickinson)
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