Burning out and rising up

 A week or so ago, I saw a tweet that really hit home for me from Nat Guest (@unfortunatalie).

No YOU'RE crying because someone was more kind to you than you are to yourself.

— Nat Guest (@unfortunatalie) August 16, 2021

I have a habit of expecting myself to be like Superman or something, capable of doing any task that comes into my mind at any moment. But that is not because I WANT to be like that, or that I think I CAN be like that. In fact, I’m fully aware of how ridiculous the concept is. There is simply not enough time in a day to be able to do everything that I would want. I even mentioned to my friend that one day would probably have to be about five weeks long to get everything I want to do done, and that really does sound like hell.

When I do something, I want to make sure I do it right. I don’t want to half-ass a job or make something that people can see I didn’t really care about, I want it to be successful. If I spend time on something, whether that’s content or something I’m making, I want to ensure that even if people don’t like it, that they can respect the effort that went into it.

But there’s a downside to that attitude. I’m a perfectionist. I don’t just want it to be good enough, I want to make it perfect. Not because I believe I have that ability ready to go, but because I want to make something that people do like. And that means I’m never truly satisfied with anything I make because nothing in this world is ever perfect.

I often find myself working on some new feature or graphic for YouTube or for my streams. And almost as soon as it’s finished, I start thinking about the tiny imperfections in there, or the fact it doesn’t quite “align” with everything else. It starts as a little thought in the back of my mind – then it grows, morphs, becomes something bigger… and a few weeks later, I’m working on it again. And so the cycle goes on, round and round; working on something, completing it, using it, hating it, starting again. It’s a cycle that I know is unhelpful for me, especially when the difference between versions might be entirely imperceptible to anyone else.

When my mind is in a “good” place, it’s somewhat easier to keep it at bay, to tell myself that actually, no-one other than me would notice that mistake. But if my mental state isn’t in the best place, if I’m stressed out because of something else, then all the lessons I’ve learned slip. Old, bad habits seep out of the woodwork.

And whilst all of that is going on, I also try to succeed in everything else. I try to do my actual job well without holding up projects or needing to pull someone else away from their work. I try to be available to anyone who might want to talk to me at any given moment. I try to do everything, not because I think I can, not even necessarily because I want to, but out of some strange expectation that I should be able to.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me tired, exhausted, burned out. It leaves me making mistakes that I don’t normally make. It leaves me feeling frustrated when another day passes, and my phone is full of messages from people on a million different apps, and I don’t even know where to start. It leaves me feeling alone and isolated. It leaves me feeling like a disappointment because I couldn’t do the things I wanted to. It makes me bitter and negative towards myself. And most of all, it makes me angry because my brain is trying to be “Superman” when everything is telling me to stop.

But okay, I’ll explain where I’m going with this. So a few weeks ago, that was me. Feeling burned out, exhausted, out of every loop it was possible to be. It was safe to say I really wasn’t showing myself much kindness. Then out of nowhere, without any build-up or lead-in, a friend said to me, “you know we love you right?”

“You know we love you right?” My brain didn’t know what to do with that sentence. It was like a foreign language, in a land where every sentence of every conversation usually carried an undertone of “You’re not good enough. People are getting tired of this nonsense. They won’t understand forever.” It really shook me up.

“You know we love you right?” Forget any alarm, that sentence was a wake-up call all on its own. It had taken getting to that point for it to click that I could not carry on in the way I had been, or a worse burnout was inevitable.

But reader, do not worry. It’s not all doom and gloom. Realising I was at that low helped me understand that I needed to hit the brakes, stop and change things. And it helped me remember that I wasn’t stuck; in fact, all I needed was to revisit the things I’ve learned from talking to friends, from going to therapy, from reading and listening to many insightful people. I was crying because someone was more kind to me than I was being to myself. But if there’s one thing you can say about the darkness, it’s that it makes the light so much brighter.

So - hey. If you’re feeling burned out, low, alone; if you’ve been hard on yourself lately; or even if you’re just here reading because I aggressively shared it to every social network under the sun, here’s something for you, a reward for sticking by me.

Take five minutes, right now. Get yourself something to drink or eat, a little treat perhaps. Maybe even listen to the sweet song I discovered down below (if you don't have Spotify, don't fret: Valley of Hope by Kupla). And please remember - nothing is worth you burning out, whether that be a solo project or a job. Please remember that you aren’t alone, and that you don’t owe the world your constant attention and presence. And by the way – you know we love you right?